You got to have STRENGTH!

Yesterday I was ready to go back to work. I have been so sick and tired of being sick and tired. At home I don' do anything, the computer just sits there, I look at TV but it's watching me. I felt yesterday would be my first step towards my life change. As Dee and I drove up in the parking lot, a heated feeling came over me, then sweats, then I couldn't catch my breath. He put his hand on mine and asked if I were OK, I lied and said yes. Michelle from HR had told me to see her first before going into the call center. I walked in her office and right away she asked me was I OK. I then couldn't seem to catch my breath at all. I started shaking and I just couldn't get this feeling of dread from my mind. She then suggested I go back home. I didn't want to give in to what I was feeling so going home to me wasn't going to happen unless I had no other choice. I didn't want to give in to not being able to go back to the job I NEED!!. I thought if I don't do it today when will I do it. I told her I would be OK and I begin to walk in the call center. So many faces greeted me with hugs and smiles. It felt good that so many missed me, I missed a few I will admit. But the ones closest to my heart I missed more. I stood there and of course Jerrie begin to tease and tell us to sell sell sell. lol. She can always make me smile and laugh. Victor always makes me feel loved by his smile and making me know how much he missed me. Dena wasn't there (SAD FACE) She is sick too. Jerrie could tell something was wrong right away as well tho. Suddenly I had to get out, I had to get some air. I walked out the call center in the parking lot and then started feeling like I should not be there. But I had to make an effect, had to make this work. I came back and assure Jerrie I would be fine, I started feeling like my old self. Joking, teasing being mean I then felt like OK I am back I can do this. The day passed by quickly because we had a 2 hour training and I was reading my emails and Jerrie, Victor and Denise was catching me up to the few changes we had at work.

I went home at 5pm by 8pm I felt weird, strange and not really up to staying up. I tried to sleep but couldn't, I tossed and turned all night. I got up this morning now feeling worst then yesterday. BUT I wanted to do it, it had to be done. We got dressed, I walked in the call center and there it was again, those FEELINGS!!! This time it could not be ignored or pushed away, I called my doctor and she told me to come in ASAP!! I went to her and she took my blood pressure and as I already knew. It was SKY HIGH!! She then suggested I take another two weeks off work. I begin to get more upset because this is not what I want. I want to work, I want to feel OK. The job is not the only thing that makes me react like this, its MANY things. So being home isn't a joy or fun. It's more stress to be home and just doing nothing. The doctor talk to me for an hour and a half trying to convinced me I needed to take this extra time. I told her, let me try one more day. If I can't go back to work on Saturday and feel like I am OK I will go ahead and take this time off. She agreed and make me an appointment for Tuesday at 8:45am which I am trying to avoid but truth is I know I have to face whatever there is to face. This is not me, I have always been in COMPLETE Control of everything. Even when I wasn't in complete control, no one knew it because I didn't know it. I made myself a promise that I would do whatever it took to get better. I want to do that, that would be in my best interest and I know it would be. But I don't know how to let go of something I don't know I am holding on too. So I will try again tomorrow. Meanwhile, I will go in game and do something other then just sit here and wonder what is next. I think maybe I need to get on the blog and write, maybe I should get in the game and try to have fun. I want to work, I need to work, I have worked all my life and do not see that coming to an end soon. I need something to get myself together. So with that being said, I am going to log into Second life, I will find something to come back and talk about and tomorrow I will go to work. BUT I will be honest with myself, whatever I need to do, take whatever, I will do.